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Memorial Day Weekend!!!
This weekend traditionally kicks off the Summer vacation season. Cookouts, picnics, parties, and if you are lucky, an invitation to spend the weekend at someone’s lake house. A 2-3 hour drive to escape the heat, humidity, and hassle of the city. A chance to unwind. Maybe re-connect with your spouse, finish that book, or start that new Danielle Steele romance. 72 hours of total relaxation!
Leave the city with that attitude and chances are you won’t be invited back. Here’s how to guarantee
you’ll be back for the 4th of July!
For whatever reason, the two of you and your 6 year old child have been invited up for the weekend. Maybe this is a thank you for something you’ve done in the past, or no holiday weekend would be complete w/out your charm, good humour, or astute commentaries on the human condition. Doesn’t matter. You. Got. The. Invite. Chances are there will be other guests or owners there, so let’s start laying the ground work for the next invitation.
Rules
For those of you not raised in/or acting like this is your home,
The rules are simple:
Whatever you think you should bring for the weekend, bring
more.
A bag of chips? No, Two. Case of pop? No, Two. Beer or wine? No, both. Easy right?
Remember “Less is NEVER more”
Rules for the sense of entitlement crowd
I pretty much can write whatever I want here, because the great thing about
you, is that you don’t see yourself for who you really are. But, just for shits
and giggles, let’s try anyway:
10. Leave your honesty at home. Don’t tell me that with a little make-up, my eyes
would really pop! My eyes look like manhole covers dropped into a wheel of
cheese- I’ve already tried everything. D’uh!
What?? The humidity must really wreak havoc on my hair? Why, I hadn’t really noticed, but thank you. And yes, I know I could lose a few pounds here.
9. Don’t believe the host. I don’t want drama, so I’m going to lie to you. But wait a minute, in # 10 you said...
SHUT UP! I’m trying to help you! After I’ve made 3-4 meals for you and your clan, and done ALL the clean up, I’m not going to say yes when you offer to dry the last coffee cup. I have already sat and watched you, over the rim of my coffee cup, once again have a mini stroke and forget where the kitchen is as you shovel in the last of the desert. I
know your ass is not leaving that seat.
8. Move! No, I don’t mean your move from snoring on the recliner to drooling on the couch at 11:00
Sunday morning. You brought up your bicycles to ride, so when I ask you to ride, let’s ride. I absorbed your barbs about my weight so let’s go. Lets pull your McWalmart bike with the twist-grip shifters off the rack, put some air in the dry rotted tires, and go. BTW the only way I believe you paid $700.00 is if you got the entire trainload of them.
7. You are not on vacation. You are, however, encouraged to enjoy the fruits of my labour. I want you to enjoy the view. I want you to relax, take a swim, go for a walk, ride a bike! I gladly struggled financially, physically, and emotionally to pull this vacation paradise off. Enjoy! I didn’t do this so that I can now have a weekend job.
I don’t want to watch your kid.
I don’t want to cook all your meals.
I don’t want to pick up after you.
6. Wear appropriate attire. You’re on the wrong side of Fifty. Sorry, not my fault. You might have had the greatest tits in the tri-state area in high school. Thirty years of gravity later, the only tri in this sentence is try to cover them up.
I hate that I glanced at your waist line and noticed that your nipple rings and belly button ring formed a miniature Bermuda Triangle.
5. Bring what you like to drink. As you step off the boat and onto the dock to reload the cooler, it would be nice if you didn’t drink all of my beverages. I apologize that my blender wasn’t quite large enough to prepare a batch of Bloody Mary’s that would get you to the 10:00 A.M. Hour. I was happy that other than the Vodka, tomato juice, horseradish, hot sauce, lemons, celery, and ice, you brought everything needed for a batch with you. Granted, today may be the first day you’ve had a bloody Mary, but I’ve got a sneaking suspicion you may have had them before. I am not at all impressed that Sunday night at 7:00 P.M., you offer to grab a case of beer, that has been sitting hidden in your car, to replenish the refrigerator. See # 9.
4. Lose the attitude. My house. I am sorry you were offended when I took your child’s cupcake away as he finger painted the icing onto my couch. That as a six year he already needs a hearing aid is sad. My word, he never once looked up as you repeatedly shouted his name! The increased gravitational pull of the recliner prevented you from getting up so I’m not blaming you for the mess that our young Dali made on the couch. I’m sorry he cried as I took away his cupcake and washed his hands. I saw your face as I took the cupcake away from Sal, and I dare say that you looked angry at me. Too bad my house.
3. Don’t embarrass me.
2. Don’t be an ass hole.
1. Entertain me. After the second first grade story, I’m losing interest. See, here’s the thing, I don’t know his teacher or other parents, I only know the artist who painted my couch, so it’s not all that fascinating. Make me laugh. Can’t do that? Not a problem. Tell me something thought provoking. Really? you have no other interests other than your job and child. Not a problem, very commendable, raising a child is the most important job in the world. Here’s a tip. Don’t start every anecdote or story about your brother because from the sounds of things, he’s the kind of person I want to hang with. I can’t wait to meet him on the 4th!
